Game 11: Mo guls, Mo problems

Keith’s Beef Quiche 1 – 7 Federal Moguls

The other night, the canary birds, the custard pies, the banana boys prepared themselves for another pleasant battering down at Goals Bradford. Now, as our loyal fans know, we’re used to the odd defeat, in fact, we’re almost beginning to make it into an art. But we don’t particularly like getting physically battered.

We were playing against a side called Federal Moguls. Amongst many things that confused and incensed me about that side, was their name: Federal Moguls? Que?

A quick google reveals the Bradford-based company to be right at the top of the search engine. This suggests that these two words together are rarely, if ever, put together by anyone else. Strange… surely this company hasn’t just looked up two random words in the dictionary and put them together?

Or perhaps I’m missing something? In fairness, I usually miss the ball every week, but I like to think I’m a little better with words. Well, let’s look a little closer shall we?

FUN DICTIONARY TIME… BEGIN!

Ok so, “Federal”:

“1. Of, relating to, or being a form of government in which a union of states recognizes the sovereignty of a central authority while retaining certain residual powers of government

2. A supporter of the Union during the American Civil War

(www.freeonlinedictionary.com, 2013)

Right, so what is Federal Mogul as a company then? A political party perhaps, a historical battle re-enacting group, perhaps they just bloody love the sovereignty of a central authority whilst retaining certain residual powers of government? I know I do. It’s fucking amazing. The thing is, you have this central authority, and you might think to yourself “Oh fuck, I’m going to lose all those residual powers!” Not on your life Sonny-Jim, you retain that shit all you like. I know right? But wait, they make vehicle components, and sell them. Hmm.

Well perhaps the combination of the second word “Mogul” would shed some light on this enigmatic company. Let’s see.

“Mogul”

1. A member of the force that under Baber conquered India in 1526.

2. A Mongol or a Mongolian

3. A very rich or powerful person, a magnate

(www.freeonlinedictionary.com, 2013)

Ah of course. Well it’s obvious now. This is a company made up of Mongolian Unionists. I don’t even…

What kind of morons would select random words, put them together and go about calling themselves a football team? I ask you? *Cough*

In fairness, Keith’s Beef Quiche does actually evoke some sort of narrative and meaning. We imagine that this character Keith, owns, or is perhaps privy to, a Quiche specifically containing Beef. The apostrophe implies some sort of possession between K and the BQ, this could be taken literally or in the sense that Keith has ownership simply of the concept, recipe or ideal of the Beef Quiche. The interplay of the three emphasised, stressed words (a trochee for those in the know) that all half rhyme, results in a pleasant, comical effect on the reader.

If we follow the Federal Mogul logic you just slam two words together, with a blatant disregard for any political, geographical or socio-economic implications that this combination might imprint on your company, which makes car parts remember, in Bradford. And then wave that confused miscarriage as a banner to sell car parts and play 5-a-side football under.

You know what, I’m going to start a company that makes toothpaste called Marxist Olympians, Feudal Bavarians or just Broccoli Shoes. Fucking hell. If you duck tape a cat to a hamster, that doesn’t make it a separate species, it makes you liable for animal cruelty and a socially awkward few days for both parties. Go talk to the Liger, or the Mule, they’ll tell you about proper synergy. Hot, bestial, inter-species synergy, aww yeh.

The Actual Match

So the match then. Not much to say really. We played really well, everyone did. Charlie Davy stormed us in a goal and was a barrelling, relentless Ox as per usual, scoring our only goal. David Foster, Daniel Lynch and Paul Foster all had excellent efforts on goal, forcing chances at every opportunity. James Simpson played an excellent role in defensive mid-field, passing forward then tracking back to disrupt play at the back. Ben Wood remained as solid as ever in defense, regular play revealing an impressive level of fitness. James Trenholme had another stunner in net, saving a goal with literally every part of his body (Wood retaining the title for use of genitals).

What about them? Well, let’s just say if “Federal” meant “Violent” and “Moguls” meant “Morons”, then their name on the table might have been a precursor to their behaviour on the pitch.

Two players, known only to us as “6” and “12”, were particularly thuggish, Wood receiving the lion’s share of the brutality. It began with a rough shove from behind as Wood ran for the ball. He fell and received a nasty, full-knee bleeding burn that casts doubts over his availability for the penultimate match of the season. Wood later received an elbow to the face, which the referee admitted to seeing and yet did nothing about except award a free kick. Various kicks, shoves and verbal abuse culminated in Paul Foster, clean through on goal getting pulled back by a hot-headed 12. No attempt was made by this talented but tactless bloke to vaguely mask what he was doing. I am utterly convinced that the numbers “6” and “12” actually correspond to the respective IQ of each player.

But who is really to blame in this situation? Yes they were being pillocks, but you know, maybe they were this close to selling an exhaust or something and their area manager took the commish, the fuckin bellend. In this case, it is up to the referee to ensure the safety of the players and the flow and fun of the game. Not so, the spineless ref carries on down the path of least resistance with an irritating grin whilst our lovely boys in yellow are constantly fouled with nothing done about it. Please goals, sack this referee and replace him with someone with a shred of common sense, compassion, game knowledge, confidence, assurance, working eyes. Any of the fucking above will do.

Cheers

BREAKING NEWS: DID KBQ THROW GAME DUE TO FOSTER ABSENCE?

The KBQ Press Office have released a statement criticising the actions someone they say has ‘fabricated’ about the team. It was found on a website shortly after tonight’s game and while they regret the absence of Foster they support his desire to take on ambassadorial work for the club as described in the match report.

This is the offending story:

The drama never stops with this 5-a-side team as yet another scandal has engulfed the Bradford Goals Wednesday League side.

Just weeks after James Trenholme’s visit to a Leeds hotel in the early hours of a Sunday morning, an issue still being dealt with internally by one party at least, a source in the Quiche camp has suggested that the team threw their last fixture due to the absence of captain David Foster.

Winning 3-2 with just a few minutes to go, our source told us that the team would rather lose than experience victory without their iconic leader. So strong is the camaraderie in this outfit that we’ve been told that only a collective victory, with a full plate of Quiche, would suffice.

Foster is unavailable for comment, and the KBQ press office say they frankly have better things to be doing than dealing with rumours, but questions will still be raised over the issue.

Is this the ultimate sacrifice of a modern day band of brothers, united in Quiche Company? Or are these the actions of a team a few eggs short of a quiche?

Let us know using #kbq

If anyone can inform us as the source of this story we would appreciate the opportunity to give him an absolute quicheing.

Quiche.

Game 10: “The Referee’s a Bandit” cry Quiche fans after narrow 4-3 loss.

Keith’s Beef Quiche 3 – 4 The Bandits

It was another week of agony for Keith’s Beef Quiche as they somehow managed to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory once again. With club captain, and self styled ‘all round big deal’ Dave Foster involved in a new North East equine outreach programme ‘Wai-ai are ya hittin me ‘orse?’ it was left to honorary vice captain Ben Wood to rally the troops.

It didn’t start well as The Bandits took advantage of an ill-prepared Quiche quintet of Wood, Lynch, Simpson, Paul Foster and the heroic calves of James Trenholme in goal. Bandit 1 struck the ball directly from the centre spot into the top corner leaving the bewildered victims wondering if the whistle had even been blown.

Carrying on from their recent good form, KBQ recovered well from the early set back and played themselves into a rhythm. Confidence on the ball and some tricky footwork epitomised Simpson’s play. The winger later commented ‘it just kind of happens, I’m not entirely sure how.’ The how didn’t seem to matter when he found the ball at his feet from a saved Paul Foster effort and slotted home assertively to level the scores.

Craig Kaye has worked his way into the fold as a regular contributor to the legacy of Keith and came on to great effect. Hard work up front and tracking back in equal measure has added to his goal scoring ability to make him a firm favourite with the loyal fans. An outlet for the team when they were on the back foot, Kaye worked the channels and consistently took pressure off the Quiche defence.

With the Quicher’s whisked into an ambitious frenzy, The Bandits looked positively scrambled. Chance after chance came but a combination of poor finishing and contentious goalkeeping kept the winless team at bay. A loose ball trickled across the edge of the area only to be handled outside by the Bandit keeper, to the despair of Charlie Davy.

Davy’s luck was about to change, but not before an unfortunate deflection off his shin diverted a feeble shot through the hitherto mammoth calves of keeper Trenholme made it 2-1. From the restart some good passing interchange from Davy and Kaye left the former in space to blast home, equalising the score at 2-2.

Davy continued his form to make it 3-2 to the Quiche, battling his way through a throng of Bandits to bulge the net once again. The tension was palpable as Quiche players, coaches, affiliates, sponsors, general entourage and Keith himself (from where ever he is watching over us) surely wondered if tonight could be the night…

Wood’s form in defence was little short of heroic, constantly snapping at the heels of the Bandits and breaking up play, solid in possession and leading by example. Surely an example to follow for any of the next generation of Quichers. His withdrawal towards the end might have proved the difference as The Bandits kneaded their way back into the match.

For the second week running the score might have been higher were it not for another top drawer performance from stand in keeper Trenholme. It wasn’t glamorous, nor was it conventional but he managed to keep the Bandits’ attack at bay. Allegedly a keen rugby player, he applied some of his skills repeatedly throwing himself on the ball or beating it out of reach of the onrushing forwards. As his confidence grew, no doubt helped by the loyal Quiche contingent in the stands, so did his cheeky grin. This is a man at the top of his game, enjoying his football and adored by his fans… and he knows it!

Again the referee was the centre of attention as the Bandits’ keeper appeared to volley the ball from at least a yard outside his area. A stunned Quiche were caught on the break and Hair Bandit blasted the ball past the stricken Trenholme. It is thought that after the ref’s performance, Blind Side, a visually impaired team formerly manned by Quiche v/c Ben Wood are looking into acquiring his services.

Like a well prepared pastry, Quiche rose to the challenge and pushed to get their noses in front during the closing minutes, only to be caught out on the break again as the Bandits rounded off the game at 4-3.

Quiche can take heart in yet another inspired performance. To a man they stepped up and   increasingly look like a side ready to open their Bradford Goals Wednesday League points account.

Quiche of the Week: James “grin when you’re winning” Trenholme

Goals: James Simpson, Charlie Davy (2)

Game 9: Kay-O! Valiant Quichers left with egg on their face as they fail to record first win

Keith’s Beef Quiche 5-6 Kay FC

Like Keith’s famous pork sausage, the history of KBQFC is short yet proud, and this game against Kay FC was set to be the biggest day thus far for the crusty crusaders. In the lead up to the game there was an air of confidence emerging from the Quiche camp surrounding the very real possibility of finally clinching that elusive first win.

These hopes were dealt a cruel blow just hours before kick-off as human force-field Theo Jefferson Brown and young posterboy John James Trenholme pulled out of the first team squad, the latter citing a mystery back problem.

Rumours have surfaced suggesting the issue may be as a result of off-field matters affecting the young star once again, as he was pictured entering a Leeds hotel in the early hours. The club have released the following statement: “These allegations have been taken very seriously and the matter has been dealt with internally. We do however hope that John James can get back on the pitch as soon as possible, in order to utilise the extra penetration that he has been providing of late.” Suggestions that the KBQ badboy has tested positive for the potent calf steroid, grandvachedralone have proved wide of the mark.

Trenholme snapped by photographers in Leeds

As the only football club in Britain with a stronger reserves than the first team, optimism was soon renewed. The ever-impressive Craig Kaye and the chiseled Charles Davy came into the fold, as KBQ megastar and all-round big deal, David Foster, slotted in between the sticks.

The game started in lively fashion with Craig Kaye dancing past a couple of would-be tacklers and burying the ball emphatically past the flapping Kay FC keeper.  After a few seconds of bewilderment the KBQ faithful went ballistic seizing the rare chance to celebrate being ahead in a match and started to call on the referee to blow the final whistle.

This only seemed to ruffle the feathers of the Chicken Men who responded immediately through a tasty dipper that goalkeeper Foster failed to gobble up. Now in the ascendency, it wasn’t long before Kay FC took the lead. After some more crisp build-up play, portly striker, Buddeh #2, twisted and turned before unleashing an unstoppable zinger into the back of the net. As the pressure mounted KBQ seemed unable to keep hold of the ball and Kay FC, always strong on the wings, switched the ball wide before seasoned veteran, Buddeh #4, battered it into the top corner.

With KBQ hardnut James Kendall rallying the troops and goalkeeper Foster keeping his team in the game through the width of his face, the mellow yellows forced their way back into the game. First through an assured finish from striker Kaye, and then through a quick turn and shot, fired left-footed into the bottom corner from Davy.

James Kendall- available after escaping disciplinary procedures following a serious altercation in a fixture last week

The men in yellow then looked certain to take the lead as the ball was left on a plate for the mercurial Ben Wood to slot home. Unfortunately, Wood, who mistook a sound in the crowd for the bell in the ball, that he was accustomed to before his transfer from visually impaired team, the Blind Side, powerfully struck the air and failed to regain his balance.

With their lead receding faster than Buddeh #4’s hairline, Kay FC’s cage had been rattled and the captain began to tear a strip off his team.  This proved just the motivation they needed as they responded with a swift double salvo to take a 5-3 lead.

James Simpson, whose admirable defensive displays in recent weeks have led to comparisons to a young Gael Quichey, was forced to push on higher up the field in search of a goal. He soon found the space he needed and drilled home to reduce the deficit to one goal.

KBQ fans emotionally depict Keith watching on

The game became frantic and as Keith’s darlings pushed on heroically for an equaliser they were becoming increasingly exposed at the back, only for Foster to keep the opposition strikers at bay with a string of eggsalent saves. This wasn’t to last however, as just as Trenholme has become increasingly proficient at taking advantage of exposed holes in recent weeks, so too have Kay FC, picking apart the defence to fire home and restore a two goal cushion.

Not to be deterred, plucky KBQ fought on and dominated the closing stages as they cooped up Kay FC in their own half. They were desperately unlucky not to score, most notably from Paul Foster and Charlie Davy who narrowly missed a host of chances.

There was controversy in the final stages as a robust challenge from Kaye resulted in the ball rolling free to Foster who was on hand to coolly slot it home, only for the goal to be disallowed. There was uproar on the terraces and suggestions of fowl play from the Quiche staff on the touchline but the decision stood and Kay FC held out for a hard-fought victory.

Quiche of the Match: David Foster and Craig Kaye

Scorers: Craig Kaye (2) Charlie Davy (2) James Simpson (1)

Dick of the Day: James Trenholme

Game 7: So close, but in the end, it was all for Sweet F.A.

Keith’s Beef Quiche 4 – 5 Sweet F.A.

Yes, your eyes do not deceive you, the score was indeed 5 – 4. In fact, until the last 5 minutes of the game we were winning… I shit you not fair Quiche fans.

Seriously, we actually outplayed them, we were strong, took our chances, played sensibly, didn’t sub as much and… had Charlie Davy.

So gutted were the Quichers that none of us could bear to do the write-up until two weeks after the event. It’s like winning a Ferrari, driving it into a wall, shitting yourself then immediately having to do a write-up about it and put it on the internet – not fun.

Anyway, I have finally taken the burden… it is my cross to bear. So what happened? In all honestly it’s mostly a blur but I will try and give you an idea of how the game flowed.

It was the first week in which master-strategist Ben Wood demanded that the amount and frequency of substitutions be reduced in an attempt to build a rhythm and flow between players. In previous weeks, the transplant of half the team every five minutes resulted in messy, haphazard play and just when the team started to gel, three of them would swap out.

This change paid dividends. No subs were made for the first ten minutes and, lo and behold, a solid foundation formed, something that vaguely resembled a football team. One sub every five minutes was just enough to rest weary legs and inject pace, but not too much to reduce teamwork and flow.

This is where the memory gets hazy.

Up until the last five minutes of the game, I remember simply this: good play. Communication, passing, incredible saves, movement, options, fitness, desire, hunger, composure, quiche, heart, strength and love; it was all there.

This blur of champagne football is broken with 4 moments of vivid recollection. A typical top-corner turner from Craig, two composed placements past the keeper from the night’s top-scorer Charlie Davy and finally… what will go down in Quiche history as “The Incident”.

Quiche’s goals had come interspersed with three lucky Sweet F.A. replies. However we had maintained a 3-2 lead for the majority of the second-half, but the slippery Sweets managed to bring it to 3 -3. Tensions were high, time was short, a hero was needed… and then it happened… “The Incident”.

James Simpson in a moment of orgasmic purity, a transcendent moment where time stands still, where body and ball are one, where Keith smiles down on us, where we are mere hosts, arbiters, oracles for his grace and footballing prowess. He proper, fucking hammered it into the bottom-right corner, there was no stopping it, there was never any doubt, it was certainty in shooting form, it was truth, it was fact, it was SIM. Time sped up, a moment’s silence, Simmy turns away from the net and jogs back nonchalantly, “BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH” went the crowd.

This was it, this was the comeback, and what a comeback. We’ve got it now, surely? This perserverance, this assurance, this confidence, the game is ours. “Well, they really deserve that” was the chatter from the sidelines, clinging Sweet F.A. fans’ fingers released their grip from the cage in defeat, sweaty sub hands ran through greasy hair, eyes locked shut – the Quichers’ glee was too much, the yellows had done it now surely?

Not so… was it taking Charlie Davy off and bringing James Trenholme on for the last 5? Probably. But let’s not name names. KBQ went on the defensive for the final moments, Sweet F.A. punished the Quiche for stepping on the back foot and utilised their one competent player to sneak two into the net in the last 3 minutes… 5 – 4 to Sweet. Whistle blows, disaster. How? HOW? WHY? Elation for Sweet F.A. – heartbreak for Keith’s Beef Quiche.

I don’t want to write anymore… it was… horrible. Head of KBQ Fanclub #ifyoucutmeiwouldbleedliquidisedquiche Leah Firth says she distinctly remembers the ref saying “3 minutes left” in a dramatic slo-mo voice and we were still winning by a goal. She’d already begun to prepare the Asda own-brand Cava, Keith’s favourite tipple. Sickening.

We were the almosts but not quites, we were The View, David Milliband, the Mini-disc; so close and yet so far. Few words were said in the post-match bar, a few forced smiles were worn. Lines like “Well, it’s the best we’ve done!”, “We nearly had it” and “Ben Wood played really well as usual” were all cold comfort. The Quiche had tasted victory and guess what? They liked it.

Quiche of the Match: James Simpson

Scorers: Charlie Davy (2) Craig Kaye (1) James Simpson (1)

Dick of the Day: Ben Wood (air-ball)

Game 6: The Shears Cut Deep into the Quiche

Keith’s Beef Quiche 3 – 10 Shears F.C.

Keith’s Beef Quiche produced arguably their finest performance of the season to date with a 10-3 loss to Shears F.C. on a bitterly cold night in Bradford.

Before the game, talk of the league centred on the Quichers previous week’s 17-2 loss to Federal Mogul and how many goals Shears – a team placed above “the Feds” in the table – would score.

For large periods of the game, however, it was an even contest, until the last 5 minutes, where Shears found another gear and scored 4 past the excellent Theo Jefferson-Brown.

With only one original Quicher in the starting line up in the form of James “I can’t play rugby because I have a bad back, I’ll go get pissed in Oxford instead” Trenholme, the Quichemen wouldn’t have been blamed for a lack of organisation. When Shears scored in the first 5 minutes, the thunderous capacity crowd could have been forgiven for thinking a repeat of last week was on the cards.

“Watch me tense this calf lads”

However, on the 10th Anniversary of the passing of Keith, the yellow quichemarines showed their strength in adversity and responded with a couple of vicious drives from the latest loan transfer Charles Davy.

It was Shears who scored next though and they quickly made it 3-0 within 10 minutes.
The Quichers pulled one back to make it 3-1 before half time when the ball fell to Paul Foster, after some ping-pong on the edge of the Shears box, who coolly slotted home into the bottom right.

There was still enough time, however, in the first half for Shears to grab another goal and at 4-1 the Quichers were still in the game.

Wood had a chance to make it 4-2 before the half drew to a close. As the ball was played to him from the left wing; he pulled back the trigger, only to miss the ball completely.

A view of the game through the eyes                       of Quiche stalwart Ben Wood.

After the break it was much of the same, with Shears scoring 2, before the response from the men in yellow.

A Shearer slide on one of the Quichers came just outside the box, after a good look the ref awarded our boys with a spot kick. With a 100% failure rate at penalties this season, Trenholme was the man to step up under huge pressure from the expectant crowd. He didn’t show any signs of a man under pressure, as he nonchalantly slid the ball in the bottom right corner, leaving their keeper (who was one of those people, where you’re unsure if they’re a large child or a small adult) no chance.

As the game was drawing to a close the Quichemen had to commit men forward, which in turn left space at the back for the impressive Shears to exploit.

In the last 5 minutes KBQ conceded 4 quick fire goals, but they weren’t to be denied a consolation at the death, scoring a contender for goal of the century – possibly the best goal in the history of football.

Taking a quick kick off after Shears scored their final goal; the ball was played to Wood deep in the Quiche half, who played a glorious pass to Davy on the wing. In turn, Kendall fired a sumptuous cross field ball to Craig Kaye, who cut inside his defender, to curl a phenomenal shot into the top corner.

With next week’s game against another team in the relegation battle, KBQ realise that 3 points is a possibility, and after the performance this week they’ll go into that game with great confidence.

Written by James Simpson

Quiche of the Match: Charles Davy

Scorers: Paul Foster (1) Craig Kaye (1) James Trenholme (1)

Dick of the Day: Ben Wood (Weekly air-ball)

Game 5: Federal Mogul score mo-guls as KBQ flounder

Keith’s Beef Quiche 2 – 17 Federal Mogul F.C.

Keith’s Beef Quiche suffered a 17-2 defeat at the hands of experienced Bradford Goals Wednesday League team Federal Mogul F.C.

Despite the loss, morale is thought to be high in the Quiche camp but team spokes-quiche Emma Wilkinson has asked that the team’s privacy be respected at this understandably difficult time.

It was another tumultuous week for the team as the extensive scouting network had to be utilised once again. Craig Kaye came in on loan while youngster Tom Wilkinson made his debut after a move up from KQB under 18’s team ‘Frankie’s French Toast.’

Bright eyed and bushy tailed the KBQ quintet started well but soon found themselves behind. ‘Moguls’ 10 and 12 were a constant thorn in the side, their link play and quick movement proving too much for the Quiche defence.

Half time couldn’t come soon enough but the valiant defensive efforts of James Simpson in goal and the defensive pairing of James Trenholme and Ben Wood didn’t go unnoticed by fans. Craig Kaye and seasoned Quicher James Kendall proved the most dangerous and both were unlucky not to put away a few chances. One or other too often found himself with no support up front as fellow Quichers were reluctant to venture forward for fear of being caught short at the rear.

The aptly named Federal Mogul FC were rough in the tackle and at times downright cynical. They tagged Wood and Wilkinson as threats early on and proceeded with fed-like force. Rarely a challenge was made without a Quicher being left smashed on the deck. The ref provided some protection, but not enough to prevent further strong-arm tactics.

Released from the shackles of goal for the second half, Simpson repeatedly found himself space on the right wing only to be body checked or tripped by the petulant Moguls. Hands were lifted and tantrums were thrown but KBQ refused to be rattled and rallied with two late goals.

A frustrated Lynch thumped the ball from near the half way line and a tasty deflection sent the Mogul keeper the wrong way. From the restart an alert Kaye pounced on a mistake from ‘Mogul 12’ to break away and slot home.

It was light relief for the Quichers who celebrated both goals like they’d just won the Cup only to concede from the next play as stocky ‘Mogul 12’ held off Lynch with his sheer mass and turned to fire home.

Marking and fitness are persistent themes as, on one occasion, reliable rock at the back Ben Wood, focused on ensuring his team mates were marking up, allowed his own man to walk past into space to receive the ball and leave second half sticksman Trenholme helpless. This lapse in concentration earned Wood the coveted ‘Dick of the Day’ award. Honourable mentions go to Simpson and Lynch who were “megs’d” once and thrice respectively by ‘Mogul 12’.

Quiche of the Week was shared by debutant Tom Wilkinson and Ben Wood. The former, despite becoming a target for the heavy handed approach of the night’s opponents rode the tackles and put in an admirable performance. Woods, apart from his aforementioned balls-up (we don’t mince words here at the Beef Quiche), was solid in defence and reliable in possession.

A 17-2 defeat could be seen as a set back for Keith’s Beef Quiche given recent good performances, but the absence of key players and part time globetrotters Dave and Paul Foster (the KBQ sibling equivalent of Dan and Peter Snow of’t t’telly) has hit the team where it hurts.

The team will draw encouragement from such inspirational quotes as ‘Rome wasn’t built in a day’, ‘You have to break a few eggs to make an omelette’ and they’ll surely quiche on quichein’ on.

Quiche.

Quichers of the Match: Tom Wilkinson and Ben Wood

Scorers: Craig Kaye (1) Daniel Lynch (1)

Dick of the Day: Ben Wood

Game 4: Foreign Ingredients Maintain a Crumbling Quiche

Keith’s Beef Quiche 1 – 7 The Bandits

With only 4 original Quichers and 5 players on loan, the side was missing its beefy core this week. However, the fresh signings soon understood the Quiche mentality, and Keith’s spirit looked strong in every one of them.

As usual, Keith’s darlings started strong and what seems to be becoming a common theme on Wednesday evenings played out once again. That is a delicate, balanced quiche starter of a decent scoreline followed by a double chocolate fudge hammering dessert after half time. Just like the Wedding buffet, the quiche starts strong as a crowd favourite but soon gives way to an overwhelming rush for the Wedding Cake.

Our opposition this week looked like they’d eaten a fair bit of cake in their time, but had probably never been to a wedding. Clearly a regular and well-practiced side, their organisation, communication and awareness outclassed the newly formed Quichers. The Bandits lacked the flair and shooting ability of previous teams, but made up for it with a solid, consistent performance, making the most of their chances.

As the game kicked off, it was the recent signings, clearly keen to impress the ever-watching Keith, god rest his soul, who made the biggest impact.

Earning himself the esteemed title of “Quiche of the Match”, Theo Jefferson-Brown, the double-barreled virtuoso provided an outstanding performance, he was like fucking Poirot; nothing got past him. He immediately became a favourite with the loyal Quiche fans: both of them swooning at his instinct, athleticism, communication and constant organisation of the side. Only a single goal narrowly slipped past his fingers after a defending error from newly returned Wood making it 1-0 to The Bandits.

With the creativity, tricky feet and scoring ability of the Foster Bros missing from the side this week, Zakariya Sidat filled the vacuum with style. Quickly replying to The Bandits opener, Sidat lifted it past the keeper into the top corner with precision and power, reminiscent of Messi’s recent performance, bringing the score to a nail-biting 1-1 for the majority of the first half. “I’m shitting meself” were the words of one excited onlooker (Emma Wilkinson, loyal fan and media, PR consultant). Zak certainly led from the front, his almost immediate goal, coupled with strong communication and encouragement undoubtedly enabled the Quichers to retain a healthy goal deficit at half time with the Bandits sneaking one in just before the break making it 2-1.

James Trenholme was as solid as usual. Like that big, solid piece of beef you sometimes find in Keith’s quiche and you think, “Oh great, that big piece of beef looks tasty, I think I’ll chop myself off that bit” and you get yourself a slice of quiche with the big piece of beef in it… that’s Tren, he played pretty well.

Daniel Lynch, of all quiche players, seems to be coming on in leaps and bounds every week, improving incrementally, like the Beef Quiche recipe that Keith, rest his soul, slowly improved and refined until he created the finished product that we all know and love today. Steadily improving fitness and game sense seems to suggest that Lynch was a solid investment by the Manager and his transfer from Belfast and furious F.C. was not a false economy.

Kendal rallying the troops

James Kendal rallied the troops at half time, his experience and natural leadership shining through in the absence of Captain, David Foster. Wise words of encouragement, strategy and brotherhood under our leader, Keith, were uttered in an effort to solidify and build upon the first half performance. With his long hair and chiselled good looks it felt like bloody Aragorn was rallying the troops for battle at Helm’s Deep. Unfortunately, James’ efforts were in vain, waning fitness and communication amongst the boys in yellow resulted in the opposition having far too many shots at goal in the second half. Despite Theo’s name being double-barrelled, you can’t get in front of every shotgun pellet, as my Grandad used to say before he died of internal bleeding.

The second half was a laminated catalogue of errors akin to that found in an Argos establishment. This led to a further 5 goals being put past Keith’s angels and nothing added to Sidat’s first-half screamer. Exceptions to the rule were Payam Kordbacheh and Tom Moule. The two remaining loan players remained solid and sensible throughout. Kordbacheh had excellent positioning and passing skills and was, without doubt, the most consistent player, failing to make a single mistake. Whilst Moule was a relentless and fearsome defender with a couple of shots on goal that could have evened the odds had they been struck with his strong foot.

What a dick

KBQ’s star player, Ben Wood, recently returned from his intensive, alpine training programme had clearly not been practising his shooting skills in the Alps, earning himself the “Dick of the Day” title. An excellent pass from Trenholme left Wood, through good positioning, clear of defenders facing goal with the ball rolling to his feet. He swung his muscular, well toned legs a foot to the left of the ball, completely missing contact and doing, what has now been termed, “a Daniel Lynch” after his multiple “air-shots” last week.

Despite the Quichers’ best efforts, 6 more goals were scored by The Bandits robbing our heroes of what could have been their first sensible scoreline, “Stand and Deliver” at least Dick Turpin wore a bloody mask eh? One of them did wear a hat to be fair. 8-1 was the final scoreline.

So, has the lacklustre performance of the Quichers made the young keeping prodigy, Theo, crave the bright lights of Wembley, Cage 1 and a swift return to his premiership side? Quite the contrary, the spirit of Keith’s Beef Quiche has proved infectious and management are currently in talks with a long-term loan potentially on the cards. (Interview with him can be found below).

All in all, the mood is still positive amongst our boys in yellow. A goal was scored, 2-1 was maintained until half-time and the overall result, considering half the team had no experience of playing together, was a decent one.

Subscribe now to find out if next week could be the week for the Quiche boys to grab that sweet taste of victory that has so far eluded them.

Trenholme: “Have a sip of that mate, it’s neat vodka”

Quiche of the Match: Theo Jefferson-Brown

Scorers: Zakariya Sidat (1)

Dick of the Day: Ben Wood

Game 3: Cricketers Served Battered Quiche at Tea

Keith’s Beef Quiche 3 – 13 Crompark CCFC

The warm-up

James Simpson and Paul Foster discuss the team’s chances ahead of the fixture against Crompark CCFC:

Keith’s Beef Quiche’s hopes of bagging their first win this season were stumped by cricketers, Crompark CCFC, this week but an impressive first-half display by the Quichers suggests hope is not lost.

With Quicher Ben Wood absent due to high-altitude fitness training in the Alps, and the rest of the team suffering with either illness or injury, KBQ knew a meaty performance was required.

The team started brightly with James Simpson’s impassioned battle-cry of “well, we’ve got to win at some point” still ringing in their ears and the lack of discipline that had been apparent in previous ties seemed a thing of the past. With sharp, decisive play, they were undoubtedly the stronger side in the opening minutes of the game.

The positive play was rewarded when Daniel Lynch put the Quichers one goal ahead thanks to a peach of a ball into the bottom corner. The deficit only rallied Crompark though, and they began to demonstrate their flair and experience with swift movement, good control and a well-worked equaliser.

To add to their frustrations, KBQ were bowled a clear no-ball when the referee unintentionally interfered with play, passing the ball to Cricketer #1, who swiftly batted it into the back of the net. As a result a bemused David Foster informed the referee in no uncertain terms that “they didn’t need his bloody help scoring.”

This injustice was quickly followed by the clinical execution of two more slick finishes by the cricketers.

But KBQ remained inspired and with goal-keeper Foster expertly fielding some rasping drives that ultimately earned him joint man of the match, they were still well in the game.

The pastry boys didn’t flake and keeping their energy levels high, dispossessed Crompark of the ball high up the field and after a quick interchange of passes, the second man of the match Lynch, casually whipped the ball round the keeper from distance.

The quality of the finish put the momentum back with the team in yellow and as they continued to press, they forced a mistake in the outfield and as the ball ran free, last week’s Quiche of the Week, James Kendall, capitalised by drilling it into the top corner.

After clawing back a three goal deficit, to finish the half at 4-3 was deemed a successful innings.

However, the second half turned into what can only be described as a white-wash as the seemingly indefatigable cricketers displayed a succession of neat touches and unstoppable finishes.

As the half wore on, the substitutions couldn’t come quick enough for an exhausted KBQ side as low fitness levels resulted in defensive lapses, sloppy passing and poor communication.

The Quicher’s change of fortune was exemplified in a string of inexplicable swinging (and sometimes 360°) air-shots that earned Lynch his first Dick of the Day award and a goal-keeping performance from O’Dea that left deflated Quiche fans questioning whether Brad Jones had joined them on loan.

There were few reasons for the Quiche faithful to be cheerful in the second half but a couple of powerful efforts from Paul Foster kept them in the hunt for more goals and without a solid defensive performance from James Trenholme and James “bites-ya-legs” Simpson it really could have been a cricket score.

Crompark took advantage of the drop in tempo and ultimately drew the stumps when they scored their last three goals in quick succession, bringing the score to 13-3 at the close of play.

Quiched out

It’s not all doom and gloom in the Quiche camp though, as there were plenty positives to draw from another heartening display and as the team await the return of fellow Quicher, Wood, in his new role as team fitness guru, the only way is up.

Quichers of the Match: David Foster and Daniel Lynch

Scorers: Daniel Lynch (2) James Kendall (1)

Dick Quiche: Daniel “Swinger” Lynch

Men of the Match David Foster and Daniel Lynch discuss the loss to Crompark CCFC

Game 2: Progress

Keith’s Beef Quiche 1 – 4 Kay F.C

“Better than last week” was the goal from the off as Keith’s Beef Quiche F.C took to the Goals Wednesday League field for the second time this season. After being beaten by an 8 goal margin on their previous outing, the budding Quicher’s were keen to prove themselves, and with the opposition starting with one ‘Buddeh’ short, things were looking up.

The first five minutes were fiercely contested, with neither side giving up an inch of ground. Through good attacking play, and debutant James Kendall looking sharp, KBQ looked to benefit from their one man advantage, but to no avail. In no time at all, Kay F.C were back to their full compliment with the timely and noisy addition of ‘Buddeh #1’. As balance was restored to the line-ups, Kay F.C were the first on the scoreline after an unlucky Daniel Lynch, first time Goalquicher for KBQ, fumbled the ball into his goal at the near post. Coming after some good possession from KBQ and a decent display from Lynch, this was a bitter pill to swallow.

KBQ looked for inspiration in substitutes David Foster and James Trenholme, but what followed can only be described as ‘more of the same’. Possession remained balanced and the teams looked evenly matched, trading attack for attack and keeping man to man. As the half drew to a close, Kay F.C scored on a rare break, through a so far solid KBQ defence. A one-two and a neat finish saw the hopeful Quicher’s staring into the abyss of defeat as they trudged down the tunnel at the half time whistle.

Despite the negative scoreline, KBQ came out buoyed by their significant improvement from their first match experience. Paul Foster traded the bandana for goalie gloves, allowing Daniel Lynch to join the outfield players in their assault on the second half. As the game progressed, Keith’s Beef Quiche became more comfortable with the ball at their feet and some stylish football and passing developed; James Simpson, Ben wood and James Kendall combined well with short passing and good movement. But still a goal wouldn’t come and just as KBQ looked to be dominating play, Kay F.C struck again. An unmarked man with a strong shot on target outwitted Paul Foster in the KBQ net as he dived a fraction too late and the ball squirmed underneath him.

With no substitutes available, Kay F.C soon began to tire as the half wore on, and KBQ were quick to take advantage. After some liquid football from the forwards, the ball fell to the feet of a free James Kendall, slotting the ball home into bottom left corner for a debut goal he is not likely forget in a hurry. With the ‘nil’ averted and KBQ comfortable on the ball, they can rightly feel aggrieved to have conceded a fourth goal. Through a dip in concentration, an unfortunate bounce from a 50/50 challenge and a miscommunication between Wood and goalkeeper Foster, the ball rolled free for Kay F.C forward, ’Buddeh #4’, who finished calmly.

As the final whistle blew, the Quiche faithful felt a personal victory was won after a marked improvement and a solid display. The players can be hopeful for better results as the season rolls on and the fans are eagerly anticipating next week’s clash against Crompark CCFC.

David Foster before the match

James Kendall and Ben Wood speaking to Emma Wilkinson in a post-match interview

Quiche of the Match: James Kendall

Scorers: James Kendall (1)