Game 7: So close, but in the end, it was all for Sweet F.A.

Keith’s Beef Quiche 4 – 5 Sweet F.A.

Yes, your eyes do not deceive you, the score was indeed 5 – 4. In fact, until the last 5 minutes of the game we were winning… I shit you not fair Quiche fans.

Seriously, we actually outplayed them, we were strong, took our chances, played sensibly, didn’t sub as much and… had Charlie Davy.

So gutted were the Quichers that none of us could bear to do the write-up until two weeks after the event. It’s like winning a Ferrari, driving it into a wall, shitting yourself then immediately having to do a write-up about it and put it on the internet – not fun.

Anyway, I have finally taken the burden… it is my cross to bear. So what happened? In all honestly it’s mostly a blur but I will try and give you an idea of how the game flowed.

It was the first week in which master-strategist Ben Wood demanded that the amount and frequency of substitutions be reduced in an attempt to build a rhythm and flow between players. In previous weeks, the transplant of half the team every five minutes resulted in messy, haphazard play and just when the team started to gel, three of them would swap out.

This change paid dividends. No subs were made for the first ten minutes and, lo and behold, a solid foundation formed, something that vaguely resembled a football team. One sub every five minutes was just enough to rest weary legs and inject pace, but not too much to reduce teamwork and flow.

This is where the memory gets hazy.

Up until the last five minutes of the game, I remember simply this: good play. Communication, passing, incredible saves, movement, options, fitness, desire, hunger, composure, quiche, heart, strength and love; it was all there.

This blur of champagne football is broken with 4 moments of vivid recollection. A typical top-corner turner from Craig, two composed placements past the keeper from the night’s top-scorer Charlie Davy and finally… what will go down in Quiche history as “The Incident”.

Quiche’s goals had come interspersed with three lucky Sweet F.A. replies. However we had maintained a 3-2 lead for the majority of the second-half, but the slippery Sweets managed to bring it to 3 -3. Tensions were high, time was short, a hero was needed… and then it happened… “The Incident”.

James Simpson in a moment of orgasmic purity, a transcendent moment where time stands still, where body and ball are one, where Keith smiles down on us, where we are mere hosts, arbiters, oracles for his grace and footballing prowess. He proper, fucking hammered it into the bottom-right corner, there was no stopping it, there was never any doubt, it was certainty in shooting form, it was truth, it was fact, it was SIM. Time sped up, a moment’s silence, Simmy turns away from the net and jogs back nonchalantly, “BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH” went the crowd.

This was it, this was the comeback, and what a comeback. We’ve got it now, surely? This perserverance, this assurance, this confidence, the game is ours. “Well, they really deserve that” was the chatter from the sidelines, clinging Sweet F.A. fans’ fingers released their grip from the cage in defeat, sweaty sub hands ran through greasy hair, eyes locked shut – the Quichers’ glee was too much, the yellows had done it now surely?

Not so… was it taking Charlie Davy off and bringing James Trenholme on for the last 5? Probably. But let’s not name names. KBQ went on the defensive for the final moments, Sweet F.A. punished the Quiche for stepping on the back foot and utilised their one competent player to sneak two into the net in the last 3 minutes… 5 – 4 to Sweet. Whistle blows, disaster. How? HOW? WHY? Elation for Sweet F.A. – heartbreak for Keith’s Beef Quiche.

I don’t want to write anymore… it was… horrible. Head of KBQ Fanclub #ifyoucutmeiwouldbleedliquidisedquiche Leah Firth says she distinctly remembers the ref saying “3 minutes left” in a dramatic slo-mo voice and we were still winning by a goal. She’d already begun to prepare the Asda own-brand Cava, Keith’s favourite tipple. Sickening.

We were the almosts but not quites, we were The View, David Milliband, the Mini-disc; so close and yet so far. Few words were said in the post-match bar, a few forced smiles were worn. Lines like “Well, it’s the best we’ve done!”, “We nearly had it” and “Ben Wood played really well as usual” were all cold comfort. The Quiche had tasted victory and guess what? They liked it.

Quiche of the Match: James Simpson

Scorers: Charlie Davy (2) Craig Kaye (1) James Simpson (1)

Dick of the Day: Ben Wood (air-ball)

Game 3: Cricketers Served Battered Quiche at Tea

Keith’s Beef Quiche 3 – 13 Crompark CCFC

The warm-up

James Simpson and Paul Foster discuss the team’s chances ahead of the fixture against Crompark CCFC:

Keith’s Beef Quiche’s hopes of bagging their first win this season were stumped by cricketers, Crompark CCFC, this week but an impressive first-half display by the Quichers suggests hope is not lost.

With Quicher Ben Wood absent due to high-altitude fitness training in the Alps, and the rest of the team suffering with either illness or injury, KBQ knew a meaty performance was required.

The team started brightly with James Simpson’s impassioned battle-cry of “well, we’ve got to win at some point” still ringing in their ears and the lack of discipline that had been apparent in previous ties seemed a thing of the past. With sharp, decisive play, they were undoubtedly the stronger side in the opening minutes of the game.

The positive play was rewarded when Daniel Lynch put the Quichers one goal ahead thanks to a peach of a ball into the bottom corner. The deficit only rallied Crompark though, and they began to demonstrate their flair and experience with swift movement, good control and a well-worked equaliser.

To add to their frustrations, KBQ were bowled a clear no-ball when the referee unintentionally interfered with play, passing the ball to Cricketer #1, who swiftly batted it into the back of the net. As a result a bemused David Foster informed the referee in no uncertain terms that “they didn’t need his bloody help scoring.”

This injustice was quickly followed by the clinical execution of two more slick finishes by the cricketers.

But KBQ remained inspired and with goal-keeper Foster expertly fielding some rasping drives that ultimately earned him joint man of the match, they were still well in the game.

The pastry boys didn’t flake and keeping their energy levels high, dispossessed Crompark of the ball high up the field and after a quick interchange of passes, the second man of the match Lynch, casually whipped the ball round the keeper from distance.

The quality of the finish put the momentum back with the team in yellow and as they continued to press, they forced a mistake in the outfield and as the ball ran free, last week’s Quiche of the Week, James Kendall, capitalised by drilling it into the top corner.

After clawing back a three goal deficit, to finish the half at 4-3 was deemed a successful innings.

However, the second half turned into what can only be described as a white-wash as the seemingly indefatigable cricketers displayed a succession of neat touches and unstoppable finishes.

As the half wore on, the substitutions couldn’t come quick enough for an exhausted KBQ side as low fitness levels resulted in defensive lapses, sloppy passing and poor communication.

The Quicher’s change of fortune was exemplified in a string of inexplicable swinging (and sometimes 360°) air-shots that earned Lynch his first Dick of the Day award and a goal-keeping performance from O’Dea that left deflated Quiche fans questioning whether Brad Jones had joined them on loan.

There were few reasons for the Quiche faithful to be cheerful in the second half but a couple of powerful efforts from Paul Foster kept them in the hunt for more goals and without a solid defensive performance from James Trenholme and James “bites-ya-legs” Simpson it really could have been a cricket score.

Crompark took advantage of the drop in tempo and ultimately drew the stumps when they scored their last three goals in quick succession, bringing the score to 13-3 at the close of play.

Quiched out

It’s not all doom and gloom in the Quiche camp though, as there were plenty positives to draw from another heartening display and as the team await the return of fellow Quicher, Wood, in his new role as team fitness guru, the only way is up.

Quichers of the Match: David Foster and Daniel Lynch

Scorers: Daniel Lynch (2) James Kendall (1)

Dick Quiche: Daniel “Swinger” Lynch

Men of the Match David Foster and Daniel Lynch discuss the loss to Crompark CCFC

Game 1: A Sharp Learning Curve

Keith’s Beef Quiche 2 – 10 Underdogs 

Some nervous KBQ fans

It’ll take more than an 8 goal deficit to discourage Goals Wednesday League debutants Keith’s Beef Quiche. Experienced opponents, Underdogs, were quickest out of the blocks and despite the best efforts of ‘keeper Ben Wood had a 3 goal advantage within 5 minutes.

As the game progressed KBQ settled and found their rhythm. Marauding runs from Dave Foster and tricky feet from brother Paul eased the pressure on the first half defensive rotation between James Simpson, Daniel Lynch, James Trenholme and Luke O’Dea.
By half time KBQ had been well and truly ‘old manned’ out of the game and were down 8-1, the only goal being a well taken finish by Lynch on a rare venture forward.

The second half was a vast improvement. With Wood out of goal and solid in possession KBQ pushed on to find the net a second time through Dave Foster. A run down the right wing and a placed finish from a narrow angle outwitting the Underdog’s defense.
KBQ piled on the pressure but ultimately it was experience and sheer physical nous that won the game for the Underdogs who responded to their shaky start to the second half by pushing on to score twice past the otherwise impressive Simpson in goal.

Fitness certainly played a factor in the result and by the mid-way point in the second half KBQ were struggling to keep up with the game. This was most evident in the premature withdrawal of Luke ‘The Puke’ O’Dea for whom the combination of a beef lasagne and physical exertion proved too much.

There were plenty of positives on the night and KQB can feel optimistic about upcoming fixtures. Expert commentary and analysis suggests the boys could work on their man marking and ball retention.

Morale is high in the camp and the general feeling is that the only way is up.

The proof, as they say, will be in the pastry.

Quiche of the Match: Ben Wood

Scorers: David Foster (1), Daniel Lynch (1)

Dick of the Day: Luke “The Puke” O’Dea