Game 10: “The Referee’s a Bandit” cry Quiche fans after narrow 4-3 loss.

Keith’s Beef Quiche 3 – 4 The Bandits

It was another week of agony for Keith’s Beef Quiche as they somehow managed to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory once again. With club captain, and self styled ‘all round big deal’ Dave Foster involved in a new North East equine outreach programme ‘Wai-ai are ya hittin me ‘orse?’ it was left to honorary vice captain Ben Wood to rally the troops.

It didn’t start well as The Bandits took advantage of an ill-prepared Quiche quintet of Wood, Lynch, Simpson, Paul Foster and the heroic calves of James Trenholme in goal. Bandit 1 struck the ball directly from the centre spot into the top corner leaving the bewildered victims wondering if the whistle had even been blown.

Carrying on from their recent good form, KBQ recovered well from the early set back and played themselves into a rhythm. Confidence on the ball and some tricky footwork epitomised Simpson’s play. The winger later commented ‘it just kind of happens, I’m not entirely sure how.’ The how didn’t seem to matter when he found the ball at his feet from a saved Paul Foster effort and slotted home assertively to level the scores.

Craig Kaye has worked his way into the fold as a regular contributor to the legacy of Keith and came on to great effect. Hard work up front and tracking back in equal measure has added to his goal scoring ability to make him a firm favourite with the loyal fans. An outlet for the team when they were on the back foot, Kaye worked the channels and consistently took pressure off the Quiche defence.

With the Quicher’s whisked into an ambitious frenzy, The Bandits looked positively scrambled. Chance after chance came but a combination of poor finishing and contentious goalkeeping kept the winless team at bay. A loose ball trickled across the edge of the area only to be handled outside by the Bandit keeper, to the despair of Charlie Davy.

Davy’s luck was about to change, but not before an unfortunate deflection off his shin diverted a feeble shot through the hitherto mammoth calves of keeper Trenholme made it 2-1. From the restart some good passing interchange from Davy and Kaye left the former in space to blast home, equalising the score at 2-2.

Davy continued his form to make it 3-2 to the Quiche, battling his way through a throng of Bandits to bulge the net once again. The tension was palpable as Quiche players, coaches, affiliates, sponsors, general entourage and Keith himself (from where ever he is watching over us) surely wondered if tonight could be the night…

Wood’s form in defence was little short of heroic, constantly snapping at the heels of the Bandits and breaking up play, solid in possession and leading by example. Surely an example to follow for any of the next generation of Quichers. His withdrawal towards the end might have proved the difference as The Bandits kneaded their way back into the match.

For the second week running the score might have been higher were it not for another top drawer performance from stand in keeper Trenholme. It wasn’t glamorous, nor was it conventional but he managed to keep the Bandits’ attack at bay. Allegedly a keen rugby player, he applied some of his skills repeatedly throwing himself on the ball or beating it out of reach of the onrushing forwards. As his confidence grew, no doubt helped by the loyal Quiche contingent in the stands, so did his cheeky grin. This is a man at the top of his game, enjoying his football and adored by his fans… and he knows it!

Again the referee was the centre of attention as the Bandits’ keeper appeared to volley the ball from at least a yard outside his area. A stunned Quiche were caught on the break and Hair Bandit blasted the ball past the stricken Trenholme. It is thought that after the ref’s performance, Blind Side, a visually impaired team formerly manned by Quiche v/c Ben Wood are looking into acquiring his services.

Like a well prepared pastry, Quiche rose to the challenge and pushed to get their noses in front during the closing minutes, only to be caught out on the break again as the Bandits rounded off the game at 4-3.

Quiche can take heart in yet another inspired performance. To a man they stepped up and   increasingly look like a side ready to open their Bradford Goals Wednesday League points account.

Quiche of the Week: James “grin when you’re winning” Trenholme

Goals: James Simpson, Charlie Davy (2)

Game 9: Kay-O! Valiant Quichers left with egg on their face as they fail to record first win

Keith’s Beef Quiche 5-6 Kay FC

Like Keith’s famous pork sausage, the history of KBQFC is short yet proud, and this game against Kay FC was set to be the biggest day thus far for the crusty crusaders. In the lead up to the game there was an air of confidence emerging from the Quiche camp surrounding the very real possibility of finally clinching that elusive first win.

These hopes were dealt a cruel blow just hours before kick-off as human force-field Theo Jefferson Brown and young posterboy John James Trenholme pulled out of the first team squad, the latter citing a mystery back problem.

Rumours have surfaced suggesting the issue may be as a result of off-field matters affecting the young star once again, as he was pictured entering a Leeds hotel in the early hours. The club have released the following statement: “These allegations have been taken very seriously and the matter has been dealt with internally. We do however hope that John James can get back on the pitch as soon as possible, in order to utilise the extra penetration that he has been providing of late.” Suggestions that the KBQ badboy has tested positive for the potent calf steroid, grandvachedralone have proved wide of the mark.

Trenholme snapped by photographers in Leeds

As the only football club in Britain with a stronger reserves than the first team, optimism was soon renewed. The ever-impressive Craig Kaye and the chiseled Charles Davy came into the fold, as KBQ megastar and all-round big deal, David Foster, slotted in between the sticks.

The game started in lively fashion with Craig Kaye dancing past a couple of would-be tacklers and burying the ball emphatically past the flapping Kay FC keeper.  After a few seconds of bewilderment the KBQ faithful went ballistic seizing the rare chance to celebrate being ahead in a match and started to call on the referee to blow the final whistle.

This only seemed to ruffle the feathers of the Chicken Men who responded immediately through a tasty dipper that goalkeeper Foster failed to gobble up. Now in the ascendency, it wasn’t long before Kay FC took the lead. After some more crisp build-up play, portly striker, Buddeh #2, twisted and turned before unleashing an unstoppable zinger into the back of the net. As the pressure mounted KBQ seemed unable to keep hold of the ball and Kay FC, always strong on the wings, switched the ball wide before seasoned veteran, Buddeh #4, battered it into the top corner.

With KBQ hardnut James Kendall rallying the troops and goalkeeper Foster keeping his team in the game through the width of his face, the mellow yellows forced their way back into the game. First through an assured finish from striker Kaye, and then through a quick turn and shot, fired left-footed into the bottom corner from Davy.

James Kendall- available after escaping disciplinary procedures following a serious altercation in a fixture last week

The men in yellow then looked certain to take the lead as the ball was left on a plate for the mercurial Ben Wood to slot home. Unfortunately, Wood, who mistook a sound in the crowd for the bell in the ball, that he was accustomed to before his transfer from visually impaired team, the Blind Side, powerfully struck the air and failed to regain his balance.

With their lead receding faster than Buddeh #4’s hairline, Kay FC’s cage had been rattled and the captain began to tear a strip off his team.  This proved just the motivation they needed as they responded with a swift double salvo to take a 5-3 lead.

James Simpson, whose admirable defensive displays in recent weeks have led to comparisons to a young Gael Quichey, was forced to push on higher up the field in search of a goal. He soon found the space he needed and drilled home to reduce the deficit to one goal.

KBQ fans emotionally depict Keith watching on

The game became frantic and as Keith’s darlings pushed on heroically for an equaliser they were becoming increasingly exposed at the back, only for Foster to keep the opposition strikers at bay with a string of eggsalent saves. This wasn’t to last however, as just as Trenholme has become increasingly proficient at taking advantage of exposed holes in recent weeks, so too have Kay FC, picking apart the defence to fire home and restore a two goal cushion.

Not to be deterred, plucky KBQ fought on and dominated the closing stages as they cooped up Kay FC in their own half. They were desperately unlucky not to score, most notably from Paul Foster and Charlie Davy who narrowly missed a host of chances.

There was controversy in the final stages as a robust challenge from Kaye resulted in the ball rolling free to Foster who was on hand to coolly slot it home, only for the goal to be disallowed. There was uproar on the terraces and suggestions of fowl play from the Quiche staff on the touchline but the decision stood and Kay FC held out for a hard-fought victory.

Quiche of the Match: David Foster and Craig Kaye

Scorers: Craig Kaye (2) Charlie Davy (2) James Simpson (1)

Dick of the Day: James Trenholme

Game 3: Cricketers Served Battered Quiche at Tea

Keith’s Beef Quiche 3 – 13 Crompark CCFC

The warm-up

James Simpson and Paul Foster discuss the team’s chances ahead of the fixture against Crompark CCFC:

Keith’s Beef Quiche’s hopes of bagging their first win this season were stumped by cricketers, Crompark CCFC, this week but an impressive first-half display by the Quichers suggests hope is not lost.

With Quicher Ben Wood absent due to high-altitude fitness training in the Alps, and the rest of the team suffering with either illness or injury, KBQ knew a meaty performance was required.

The team started brightly with James Simpson’s impassioned battle-cry of “well, we’ve got to win at some point” still ringing in their ears and the lack of discipline that had been apparent in previous ties seemed a thing of the past. With sharp, decisive play, they were undoubtedly the stronger side in the opening minutes of the game.

The positive play was rewarded when Daniel Lynch put the Quichers one goal ahead thanks to a peach of a ball into the bottom corner. The deficit only rallied Crompark though, and they began to demonstrate their flair and experience with swift movement, good control and a well-worked equaliser.

To add to their frustrations, KBQ were bowled a clear no-ball when the referee unintentionally interfered with play, passing the ball to Cricketer #1, who swiftly batted it into the back of the net. As a result a bemused David Foster informed the referee in no uncertain terms that “they didn’t need his bloody help scoring.”

This injustice was quickly followed by the clinical execution of two more slick finishes by the cricketers.

But KBQ remained inspired and with goal-keeper Foster expertly fielding some rasping drives that ultimately earned him joint man of the match, they were still well in the game.

The pastry boys didn’t flake and keeping their energy levels high, dispossessed Crompark of the ball high up the field and after a quick interchange of passes, the second man of the match Lynch, casually whipped the ball round the keeper from distance.

The quality of the finish put the momentum back with the team in yellow and as they continued to press, they forced a mistake in the outfield and as the ball ran free, last week’s Quiche of the Week, James Kendall, capitalised by drilling it into the top corner.

After clawing back a three goal deficit, to finish the half at 4-3 was deemed a successful innings.

However, the second half turned into what can only be described as a white-wash as the seemingly indefatigable cricketers displayed a succession of neat touches and unstoppable finishes.

As the half wore on, the substitutions couldn’t come quick enough for an exhausted KBQ side as low fitness levels resulted in defensive lapses, sloppy passing and poor communication.

The Quicher’s change of fortune was exemplified in a string of inexplicable swinging (and sometimes 360°) air-shots that earned Lynch his first Dick of the Day award and a goal-keeping performance from O’Dea that left deflated Quiche fans questioning whether Brad Jones had joined them on loan.

There were few reasons for the Quiche faithful to be cheerful in the second half but a couple of powerful efforts from Paul Foster kept them in the hunt for more goals and without a solid defensive performance from James Trenholme and James “bites-ya-legs” Simpson it really could have been a cricket score.

Crompark took advantage of the drop in tempo and ultimately drew the stumps when they scored their last three goals in quick succession, bringing the score to 13-3 at the close of play.

Quiched out

It’s not all doom and gloom in the Quiche camp though, as there were plenty positives to draw from another heartening display and as the team await the return of fellow Quicher, Wood, in his new role as team fitness guru, the only way is up.

Quichers of the Match: David Foster and Daniel Lynch

Scorers: Daniel Lynch (2) James Kendall (1)

Dick Quiche: Daniel “Swinger” Lynch

Men of the Match David Foster and Daniel Lynch discuss the loss to Crompark CCFC