BREAKING NEWS: DID KBQ THROW GAME DUE TO FOSTER ABSENCE?

The KBQ Press Office have released a statement criticising the actions someone they say has ‘fabricated’ about the team. It was found on a website shortly after tonight’s game and while they regret the absence of Foster they support his desire to take on ambassadorial work for the club as described in the match report.

This is the offending story:

The drama never stops with this 5-a-side team as yet another scandal has engulfed the Bradford Goals Wednesday League side.

Just weeks after James Trenholme’s visit to a Leeds hotel in the early hours of a Sunday morning, an issue still being dealt with internally by one party at least, a source in the Quiche camp has suggested that the team threw their last fixture due to the absence of captain David Foster.

Winning 3-2 with just a few minutes to go, our source told us that the team would rather lose than experience victory without their iconic leader. So strong is the camaraderie in this outfit that we’ve been told that only a collective victory, with a full plate of Quiche, would suffice.

Foster is unavailable for comment, and the KBQ press office say they frankly have better things to be doing than dealing with rumours, but questions will still be raised over the issue.

Is this the ultimate sacrifice of a modern day band of brothers, united in Quiche Company? Or are these the actions of a team a few eggs short of a quiche?

Let us know using #kbq

If anyone can inform us as the source of this story we would appreciate the opportunity to give him an absolute quicheing.

Quiche.

Game 10: “The Referee’s a Bandit” cry Quiche fans after narrow 4-3 loss.

Keith’s Beef Quiche 3 – 4 The Bandits

It was another week of agony for Keith’s Beef Quiche as they somehow managed to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory once again. With club captain, and self styled ‘all round big deal’ Dave Foster involved in a new North East equine outreach programme ‘Wai-ai are ya hittin me ‘orse?’ it was left to honorary vice captain Ben Wood to rally the troops.

It didn’t start well as The Bandits took advantage of an ill-prepared Quiche quintet of Wood, Lynch, Simpson, Paul Foster and the heroic calves of James Trenholme in goal. Bandit 1 struck the ball directly from the centre spot into the top corner leaving the bewildered victims wondering if the whistle had even been blown.

Carrying on from their recent good form, KBQ recovered well from the early set back and played themselves into a rhythm. Confidence on the ball and some tricky footwork epitomised Simpson’s play. The winger later commented ‘it just kind of happens, I’m not entirely sure how.’ The how didn’t seem to matter when he found the ball at his feet from a saved Paul Foster effort and slotted home assertively to level the scores.

Craig Kaye has worked his way into the fold as a regular contributor to the legacy of Keith and came on to great effect. Hard work up front and tracking back in equal measure has added to his goal scoring ability to make him a firm favourite with the loyal fans. An outlet for the team when they were on the back foot, Kaye worked the channels and consistently took pressure off the Quiche defence.

With the Quicher’s whisked into an ambitious frenzy, The Bandits looked positively scrambled. Chance after chance came but a combination of poor finishing and contentious goalkeeping kept the winless team at bay. A loose ball trickled across the edge of the area only to be handled outside by the Bandit keeper, to the despair of Charlie Davy.

Davy’s luck was about to change, but not before an unfortunate deflection off his shin diverted a feeble shot through the hitherto mammoth calves of keeper Trenholme made it 2-1. From the restart some good passing interchange from Davy and Kaye left the former in space to blast home, equalising the score at 2-2.

Davy continued his form to make it 3-2 to the Quiche, battling his way through a throng of Bandits to bulge the net once again. The tension was palpable as Quiche players, coaches, affiliates, sponsors, general entourage and Keith himself (from where ever he is watching over us) surely wondered if tonight could be the night…

Wood’s form in defence was little short of heroic, constantly snapping at the heels of the Bandits and breaking up play, solid in possession and leading by example. Surely an example to follow for any of the next generation of Quichers. His withdrawal towards the end might have proved the difference as The Bandits kneaded their way back into the match.

For the second week running the score might have been higher were it not for another top drawer performance from stand in keeper Trenholme. It wasn’t glamorous, nor was it conventional but he managed to keep the Bandits’ attack at bay. Allegedly a keen rugby player, he applied some of his skills repeatedly throwing himself on the ball or beating it out of reach of the onrushing forwards. As his confidence grew, no doubt helped by the loyal Quiche contingent in the stands, so did his cheeky grin. This is a man at the top of his game, enjoying his football and adored by his fans… and he knows it!

Again the referee was the centre of attention as the Bandits’ keeper appeared to volley the ball from at least a yard outside his area. A stunned Quiche were caught on the break and Hair Bandit blasted the ball past the stricken Trenholme. It is thought that after the ref’s performance, Blind Side, a visually impaired team formerly manned by Quiche v/c Ben Wood are looking into acquiring his services.

Like a well prepared pastry, Quiche rose to the challenge and pushed to get their noses in front during the closing minutes, only to be caught out on the break again as the Bandits rounded off the game at 4-3.

Quiche can take heart in yet another inspired performance. To a man they stepped up and   increasingly look like a side ready to open their Bradford Goals Wednesday League points account.

Quiche of the Week: James “grin when you’re winning” Trenholme

Goals: James Simpson, Charlie Davy (2)

Game 5: Federal Mogul score mo-guls as KBQ flounder

Keith’s Beef Quiche 2 – 17 Federal Mogul F.C.

Keith’s Beef Quiche suffered a 17-2 defeat at the hands of experienced Bradford Goals Wednesday League team Federal Mogul F.C.

Despite the loss, morale is thought to be high in the Quiche camp but team spokes-quiche Emma Wilkinson has asked that the team’s privacy be respected at this understandably difficult time.

It was another tumultuous week for the team as the extensive scouting network had to be utilised once again. Craig Kaye came in on loan while youngster Tom Wilkinson made his debut after a move up from KQB under 18’s team ‘Frankie’s French Toast.’

Bright eyed and bushy tailed the KBQ quintet started well but soon found themselves behind. ‘Moguls’ 10 and 12 were a constant thorn in the side, their link play and quick movement proving too much for the Quiche defence.

Half time couldn’t come soon enough but the valiant defensive efforts of James Simpson in goal and the defensive pairing of James Trenholme and Ben Wood didn’t go unnoticed by fans. Craig Kaye and seasoned Quicher James Kendall proved the most dangerous and both were unlucky not to put away a few chances. One or other too often found himself with no support up front as fellow Quichers were reluctant to venture forward for fear of being caught short at the rear.

The aptly named Federal Mogul FC were rough in the tackle and at times downright cynical. They tagged Wood and Wilkinson as threats early on and proceeded with fed-like force. Rarely a challenge was made without a Quicher being left smashed on the deck. The ref provided some protection, but not enough to prevent further strong-arm tactics.

Released from the shackles of goal for the second half, Simpson repeatedly found himself space on the right wing only to be body checked or tripped by the petulant Moguls. Hands were lifted and tantrums were thrown but KBQ refused to be rattled and rallied with two late goals.

A frustrated Lynch thumped the ball from near the half way line and a tasty deflection sent the Mogul keeper the wrong way. From the restart an alert Kaye pounced on a mistake from ‘Mogul 12’ to break away and slot home.

It was light relief for the Quichers who celebrated both goals like they’d just won the Cup only to concede from the next play as stocky ‘Mogul 12’ held off Lynch with his sheer mass and turned to fire home.

Marking and fitness are persistent themes as, on one occasion, reliable rock at the back Ben Wood, focused on ensuring his team mates were marking up, allowed his own man to walk past into space to receive the ball and leave second half sticksman Trenholme helpless. This lapse in concentration earned Wood the coveted ‘Dick of the Day’ award. Honourable mentions go to Simpson and Lynch who were “megs’d” once and thrice respectively by ‘Mogul 12’.

Quiche of the Week was shared by debutant Tom Wilkinson and Ben Wood. The former, despite becoming a target for the heavy handed approach of the night’s opponents rode the tackles and put in an admirable performance. Woods, apart from his aforementioned balls-up (we don’t mince words here at the Beef Quiche), was solid in defence and reliable in possession.

A 17-2 defeat could be seen as a set back for Keith’s Beef Quiche given recent good performances, but the absence of key players and part time globetrotters Dave and Paul Foster (the KBQ sibling equivalent of Dan and Peter Snow of’t t’telly) has hit the team where it hurts.

The team will draw encouragement from such inspirational quotes as ‘Rome wasn’t built in a day’, ‘You have to break a few eggs to make an omelette’ and they’ll surely quiche on quichein’ on.

Quiche.

Quichers of the Match: Tom Wilkinson and Ben Wood

Scorers: Craig Kaye (1) Daniel Lynch (1)

Dick of the Day: Ben Wood