Keith’s Beef Quiche 1 – 7 Federal Moguls
The other night, the canary birds, the custard pies, the banana boys prepared themselves for another pleasant battering down at Goals Bradford. Now, as our loyal fans know, we’re used to the odd defeat, in fact, we’re almost beginning to make it into an art. But we don’t particularly like getting physically battered.
We were playing against a side called Federal Moguls. Amongst many things that confused and incensed me about that side, was their name: Federal Moguls? Que?
A quick google reveals the Bradford-based company to be right at the top of the search engine. This suggests that these two words together are rarely, if ever, put together by anyone else. Strange… surely this company hasn’t just looked up two random words in the dictionary and put them together?
Or perhaps I’m missing something? In fairness, I usually miss the ball every week, but I like to think I’m a little better with words. Well, let’s look a little closer shall we?
FUN DICTIONARY TIME… BEGIN!
Ok so, “Federal”:
“1. Of, relating to, or being a form of government in which a union of states recognizes the sovereignty of a central authority while retaining certain residual powers of government
2. A supporter of the Union during the American Civil War
(www.freeonlinedictionary.com, 2013)
Right, so what is Federal Mogul as a company then? A political party perhaps, a historical battle re-enacting group, perhaps they just bloody love the sovereignty of a central authority whilst retaining certain residual powers of government? I know I do. It’s fucking amazing. The thing is, you have this central authority, and you might think to yourself “Oh fuck, I’m going to lose all those residual powers!” Not on your life Sonny-Jim, you retain that shit all you like. I know right? But wait, they make vehicle components, and sell them. Hmm.
Well perhaps the combination of the second word “Mogul” would shed some light on this enigmatic company. Let’s see.
“Mogul”
1. A member of the force that under Baber conquered India in 1526.
2. A Mongol or a Mongolian
3. A very rich or powerful person, a magnate
(www.freeonlinedictionary.com, 2013)
Ah of course. Well it’s obvious now. This is a company made up of Mongolian Unionists. I don’t even…
What kind of morons would select random words, put them together and go about calling themselves a football team? I ask you? *Cough*
In fairness, Keith’s Beef Quiche does actually evoke some sort of narrative and meaning. We imagine that this character Keith, owns, or is perhaps privy to, a Quiche specifically containing Beef. The apostrophe implies some sort of possession between K and the BQ, this could be taken literally or in the sense that Keith has ownership simply of the concept, recipe or ideal of the Beef Quiche. The interplay of the three emphasised, stressed words (a trochee for those in the know) that all half rhyme, results in a pleasant, comical effect on the reader.
If we follow the Federal Mogul logic you just slam two words together, with a blatant disregard for any political, geographical or socio-economic implications that this combination might imprint on your company, which makes car parts remember, in Bradford. And then wave that confused miscarriage as a banner to sell car parts and play 5-a-side football under.
You know what, I’m going to start a company that makes toothpaste called Marxist Olympians, Feudal Bavarians or just Broccoli Shoes. Fucking hell. If you duck tape a cat to a hamster, that doesn’t make it a separate species, it makes you liable for animal cruelty and a socially awkward few days for both parties. Go talk to the Liger, or the Mule, they’ll tell you about proper synergy. Hot, bestial, inter-species synergy, aww yeh.
The Actual Match
So the match then. Not much to say really. We played really well, everyone did. Charlie Davy stormed us in a goal and was a barrelling, relentless Ox as per usual, scoring our only goal. David Foster, Daniel Lynch and Paul Foster all had excellent efforts on goal, forcing chances at every opportunity. James Simpson played an excellent role in defensive mid-field, passing forward then tracking back to disrupt play at the back. Ben Wood remained as solid as ever in defense, regular play revealing an impressive level of fitness. James Trenholme had another stunner in net, saving a goal with literally every part of his body (Wood retaining the title for use of genitals).
What about them? Well, let’s just say if “Federal” meant “Violent” and “Moguls” meant “Morons”, then their name on the table might have been a precursor to their behaviour on the pitch.
Two players, known only to us as “6” and “12”, were particularly thuggish, Wood receiving the lion’s share of the brutality. It began with a rough shove from behind as Wood ran for the ball. He fell and received a nasty, full-knee bleeding burn that casts doubts over his availability for the penultimate match of the season. Wood later received an elbow to the face, which the referee admitted to seeing and yet did nothing about except award a free kick. Various kicks, shoves and verbal abuse culminated in Paul Foster, clean through on goal getting pulled back by a hot-headed 12. No attempt was made by this talented but tactless bloke to vaguely mask what he was doing. I am utterly convinced that the numbers “6” and “12” actually correspond to the respective IQ of each player.
But who is really to blame in this situation? Yes they were being pillocks, but you know, maybe they were this close to selling an exhaust or something and their area manager took the commish, the fuckin bellend. In this case, it is up to the referee to ensure the safety of the players and the flow and fun of the game. Not so, the spineless ref carries on down the path of least resistance with an irritating grin whilst our lovely boys in yellow are constantly fouled with nothing done about it. Please goals, sack this referee and replace him with someone with a shred of common sense, compassion, game knowledge, confidence, assurance, working eyes. Any of the fucking above will do.
Cheers
passmethequiche 